Apologies At Work: How to say I’m sorry

Posted on November 21, 2013 in Consulting

Like many football fans I have been forced to observe the very unfortunate Richie Incognito-Miami Dolphins debacle.  For those not familiar, Mr. Incognito apparently harassed another player (Jonathan Martin) with extremely racist language.   I read the full transcript of Mr. Incognito’s interview with Fox Sports.  What struck me most is that he never said, “I’m sorry.”   It made me think: how should someone apologize for any bad act (including racism or harassment) and move forward as part of a team in the workplace.  

1. Test the sincerity of the apology

As a father of three, I have a good sense of an insincere apology.  It doesn’t necessarily get any better with age or improve in the workforce as opposed to the household.  So many people say “I’m sorry” without meaning it.  Too often an HR manger tells one employee to apologize to another.  The request looks more like an option: apologize or termination.  That ensures the apology is made but does nothing to get the workplace back to a team atmosphere.

The apology process starts with a manager asking the guilty party — without implying the answer — if they want to apologize for their conduct.  The answer may be revealing (e.g., “Do I have to,” “I would rather not,” etc.)  The answer might alter the employer’s disciplinary action or alert the employer to concerns of retaliation.  Whatever the answer, a great follow-up question: “Why?”  Management might learn much of what they need to know about how to handle disciplinary action with the answers to those simple questions.

Assuming an employee wants to apologize for misconduct, the employer should require it be in writing.  Imagine a scenario where an employee agrees to apologize but won’t write it down.  That says a lot about the sincerity or lack thereof of the employee.  Writing takes thought and effort.  Many people have a difficult time putting thoughts on paper.  The exercise of a written apology should compel some reflection on the misdeed and maybe (one would hope) alter future behavior.

Some of this may seem counterintuitive.  Many HR folks encourage people to sit down in a room and work through their differences.  That certainly can work, and I’m not suggesting that should not occur. But how much more effective and meaningful is it to make the apologizer write a note and have them deliver it in person.  That’s effective communication and better team building.

2. Never require that the victim accept an apology

High on my list of workplace habits that really bother me is this: Asking a victim of harassment what action should be taken against the harasser.  To borrow a football analogy, it’s a punt.   Employers should not punt the responsibility of disciplinary course of action to the victim.  Similarly, an employer should not tell a victim how to accept an apology, or for that matter, even accepting an apology from the harasser. 

First, a sincere apology is ineffective if the recipient is uninterested in the message. Second, employers cannot force a sincere resolution without willing participants.   Managers don’t have that ability or power to make people like each other and should not try.  

But with the passage of time and positive interaction, the moment might arise when an apology might later be accepted.  Hence, a timely written apology might later have its desired effect.

3. A real apology comes with time

One of the more difficult challenges for managers is dealing with employees who have had past bad encounters.  Separating workers is not always an option.   Many workplaces require that people continue to work together even after an incident of harassment or racism. 

In these situations, it is incumbent on the manager and HR personnel to stay alert to future complaints but also coach employees how to work together.  With time and positive action, people can change.  Attitudes about other races, national origins, and religions improve — I really believe — by interactions in the workplace and social settings.  People even learn from mistakes.  Maybe even Richie Incognito.

I hope you enjoyed this newsletter and wish you a Happy Thanksgiving.